Friends, this transferring over of my blog archives thing has been really kicking my butt. It’s not that it’s that difficult or tedious (though I imagine the tedium will come), but, man, it’s been emotional. How was I supposed to know when I started blogging in 2005 that my whole life was about to change? That things were going to be set in motion that would affect me for years to come? 2005 was the beginning of so many things for me. I started back to school, began several new relationships that were going to have a major impact on my life, and started a new job. 2005 was the year we started making movies. 2005 was the year I learned how to swing dance.
It’s been a little intense going back through all those blog posts, remembering all these things that had started to fade from my memory, not just the stuff I blogged about, but all the things I didn’t blog: all the drama and the heartbreak. 2005 was a beautiful year in a lot of ways, but it was also the year I broke my heart twice over one guy, started a relationship with another that was going to break my heart many more times in the years to come, and that was just the beginning of the drama. I didn’t blog directly about a lot of that – 2005 was also the year that I learned that it wasn’t a good idea to blog too frankly about your emotions, particularly if you blog about starting to fall in love with a particular guy who then doesn’t treat you like a princess in front of your protective male friends, who then start threatening to lay in wait for him out in the parking lot, etc. Which means that you, who are hurt by how the guy’s treating you (although you know that it’s more because of his own nerves and social ineptness than because he doesn’t value you), have to now deal not only with your own feelings and handle a delicate situation with the guy you’re interested in, but also soothe the outraged sensibilities of these other males so that they don’t make a bad situation worse. And it’s kinda hell. (I’d managed to forget about most of that. Sigh.) That was the only blog post I’ve ever deleted, and I’ve been a lot more careful since then. But even reading the public posts reminds me of what was happening behind the scenes. And like I said, 2005 was a big year.
The other thing about going back through these old blog posts is remembering who I was back then. I was so young, and so eager for life. I rushed into everything – school, relationships, projects. I wanted to live life to the full, and I did. It was a lot of fun. I was so ready to believe in happy ever afters and fairy tale endings. I just knew that all my dreams really would come true if I just worked hard and believed with all my heart. I was ready to love, and sure that other people really would be the best version of themselves if they had the chance. I miss that part of myself, but I also grieve for that girl, for all the heartache and pain that was going to come as dreams didn’t come true, people (including herself) didn’t live up to what she’d hoped they’d be, and all the fairy tale endings faded away.
To be honest, though, I don’t know if I would have done anything differently. I did the best I could at the time, knowing what I knew then, trying to love God and the people around me with all my heart. I wish that I’d made some different decisions. There are too many times when I panicked and ran when I wish I’d stayed, or stayed in situations when I should have run as fast as I could. But I did my best with what I had, and that’s all you can expect.
There’s some things I’d like to reclaim of who I used to be. I don’t miss the drama and the recklessness, but I miss the fun. I miss how much I used to enjoy whatever I was doing. I don’t have any idea how I’ll do it, but I’d like to add a little of that back into my life. Yes, life has thrown me some serious curve balls in the past few years, some of which I’ve fielded better than others, but I’ve been sad long enough. It’s time to be happy again.