This is a short blog post, just to say that I am working like mad to get ready for moving. The walls of my new room are now primed, which will cover up the 1965 green until I can paint for real (I’m waiting until I can do it with the windows open). The curtains are taking much longer to make than I anticipated, and let’s not talk about how far I’ve gotten on packing. No, really, let’s not. Thankfully I’ve been getting help. I keep finding one more box of stuff Johnsy has packed up for me, Indy helped me paint today, and will be helping me pack later, and Mom has promised to wash the floor of my new room (which I don’t think has seen a broom in over ten years) so that I’ll have a clean floor to put my grandmother’s rugs on. I still don’t know quite how everything else is going to get done, but I’m sure that somehow it will.
I also would like to take this opportunity to say that Anniversaries suck. A year ago tomorrow my brother was pronounced dead. A year ago today I was sitting by his hospital bed, holding his hand and praying as he slipped away from us. A year ago Saturday we got the phone call that he had collapsed. A year ago last Friday he was alive and (as far as we knew) well, coming home after work to watch a movie with Sae and eat ice cream. For the most part I’m ok, and then at an odd moment I’m caught by something that triggers a flashback to those days – that’s what it feels like, getting caught, like there was a slender fishhook embedded in some ordinary daily activity that slips out to hook itself in my heart. And then I’m not ok for a while.
Some family members have planned a whole list of things to do tomorrow to mark the day: early Mass, breakfast together, visiting Jacob’s grave, giving blood, watching movies together. I’m planning to go to Mass, but otherwise I’m not planning to take part. I figure you should get over heavy ground as lightly as possible. Tomorrow’s going to be rough enough as it is without adding anything else to it. I’ll keep my head down and get through. Sooner or later I’ll come to a day that I can’t remember with crystal clarity what I was doing a year ago. I just have to make it through til then.