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It is so gorgeously sunny and bright outside right now.  I have all the windows in the office wide open to let the air in.  I can hear the dry leaves being blown across the sidewalk by the wind, and a little while ago, even heard an ice cream truck out making its rounds.  It doesn’t feel like late October at all, much more like September, or maybe even the end of August.  It’s perfect weather for a football game, so we’re all crossing our fingers and praying that the predicted rain will hold off until after the game tonight is done.  It’s Boy-O’s last regular season game, Aunty C has come up from New York just for this, so all of us will be there.  It would be very nice if we didn’t have to get soaked.  We’ll see.

I keep forgetting that Halloween is coming.  It’s never been a huge event for me.  My family didn’t celebrate Halloween, and I didn’t go trick or treating myself until I was over twenty.  I was very excited for a couple of years about the Halloween Swing Dance, and put a lot of thought into various costumes.  But thenI finally made it to the dance, dressed as Princess Pupule, and it was excellent.  Now I feel kinda… been there, done that.  Sure, dressing up is fun, but I don’t really have any ideas, and this doesn’t bother me.  I’ve committed to going to the Halloween Swing Dance again this year (I’m giving one of my swing kids a ride), but I just don’t feel like dressing up.  I dunno.  Do you think it’s ok to go to a Halloween Party without wearing a costume?  I mean, I know I could do the whole nametag with”Hello, My Name is God” written on it thing, but even that feels like too much effort.

I think a little part of my blah-ness is that last night I found out that the psalm we’ll be singing in Mass on Sunday is the same one Indy and I chose for our brother’s funeral, the one with the refrain, “Lord, this is the people that longs to see your face,” and the verse that talks about the “God of Jacob.”  This is, of course, on top of the fact that it will be the Feast of All Saints, one of the Feasts that has deep meaning for me.  I usually tear up during the Litany of the Saints anyway.  It’s been a while since I was a mess at Mass (for months after Jacob’s death I used to hide in the side chapel during Sunday Mass and use many handkerchiefs).  I utterly loath weeping in public, no matter how discrete I am about it (and I am very, very good at crying unobtrusively), so I was thrilled when I could finally get through Mass again with no more than a slight moistness about the eyes.

Music in particular gets me. A month or so ago I was ambushed at Mass when I turned to the Offertory Song, and discovered that it was set to the same tune as For The Beauty Of The Earth, which we not only sang at the funeral, but also as we were leaving the hospital for the very last time, having said good-bye to Jacob’s body at the door of the elevator before it went down to the operating room for the surgery to retrieve his organs for donation.  A rag tag bunch of us, leaving out of the ER entrance in the dark early morning hours long before dawn, walking under the huge arched entryway where ambulances pull up, singing that song acapella and (because we are us) in four or maybe five part improvised harmony, holding hands, and leaning on one another as we went.  A rough looking man in a motorcycle jacket was sitting on the curb against one of the pillars smoking a cigarette as we went past.  When the song was done he applauded sincerely.  And we said thank you, and went home.

I think I’ve just discovered why I’ve been so tired the past few days.  They warned us that Anniversaries and holidays were going to be difficult.  Trust me to have non-standard holidays.  Heh.

Ok, enough with the depressing stuff.  It’s time to go home and get ready for Boy-O’s game.  I have a phone call to make before I go, and then I’ll be off.  I’ll bring my knitting, sit with my sisters, and have a good time.  Tomorrow night I will pass out candy to adorable children, and then go off dancing.  And it will be good.

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