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I have this idea that, just like we build up sleep-debt when we go without enough sleep for too long which must be repaid at some point, we also build up bio-debt. We can force ourselves to do amazing things, endure extreme stress, push through all kinds of stuff, but it comes at a cost and one day we’re going to have to pay up. I remember an image from a book about bio-debt being owed to bio-sharks who would one day send little bio-thugs with glowery faces and little cudgels to extort what we owe. That’s kinda what it feels like, actually. You can only go so long, and then the crash inevitably comes at a time you can’t choose or predict, and you’re down and out for however long it takes to recover.

I think that’s what I’ve been going through the last week or so. I’ve been pushing myself pretty hard for a while, first getting through Jacob’s hospitalization and death, and then the days after. Less than a week after the funeral I was back in school full time, trying to catch up on the two and a half weeks I missed while still keeping up my full round of other commitments. I realized fairly quickly that this couldn’t continue, and was able to let go of a little, but there were some things I was too far along with to let go of – I just had to ride it through to the end. So I did, and now for the last week or so I’ve been paying the price. The cold I got last week has been the gift that just keeps on giving. Antibiotics may be taking care of the ear infection, but now I’ve got this cough that defies all cough syrups, and I’m still sleeping way too much. I’ve been missing a lot of classes (sleeping through them, mostly), which is frustrating since I had just started to feel like I was catching up and now I’m more behind than ever.

On the plus side, the weather is starting to warm up enough to make me start thinking about gardens again. This line of thought has been encouraged by Johnsy, who the other day produced the pot of seed packets that used to reside on the kitchen table and told me to pick which seeds I wanted started. Last year I had such elaborate plans for exactly how the garden should be, but this year I haven’t had the time to think much about it. I now have the rose garden I was craving, and on the advice of Johnsy’s realtor (Johnsy really would like to be able to sell the house one day) the flower beds in the back yard are going to have to shrink, so I’m going to lose the zinnia beds. I’d like to grow more vegetables – I really liked having fresh vegetables last year, especially the lettuces, radishes, and carrots. The peas were nice to start, but didn’t last, and the zuchinni were sad disappointments. Maybe I can squeeze out a few more square feet, enough to perhaps plant some beets, or maybe a few cucumber vines, or just a few more rows of carrots.

Oh, and the other good news is that my blood work results came back, and my cholesterol is normal. It would be nice if my good cholesterol levels were a little higher and the bad cholesterol a little lower, but I’m going to make some lifestyle adjustments (oatmeal – it’s what’s for breakfast), and we’ll check again in a year. I cannot say how much of a relief this is, how nice it is not to feel like my heart is a ticking time bomb inside of me that might go off at any moment. For this kind of good news, I’ll gladly eat my oatmeal.

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