This normal life thing is exhausting! I don’t know how I did all this before. On Tuesday I had my first full day back at work, and when I came home at five o’clock I was dead beat, as if I’d just worked a full day on top of pulling an all-nighter the night before. And then I looked at my calendar and realized I had a meeting at 7, and was meeting Bounce to finish up the choreography for the UD Smackdown team at 8. And then I could maybe come home and watch The Mentalist with Johnsy. And then I could go to bed. It’s been like that pretty much all week. Yesterday as I was heading off with Johnsy to the Roe v. Wade Memorial Dinner & Adoration thing our Catholic Life group was doing, I told her that my minimum standard of success at the moment was that I was still on my feet and capable of motion. Coherent thought and any kind of memory might be too much to ask.
Of course, part of this is because I haven’t really gone back to what had been my normal life. No, my friends, it’s better than that! I, Bernadette, am back in school! It’s the craziest thing, and I still can’t quite believe it’s true, but I am, thanks to a wonderful older brother, sweet relatives, and just a few miracles. I’ve been so tired this week in part because I’ve been running around persuading professors that they really want to sign me in to their class even though I’ve missed two and a half weeks of school, attending those classes (one of which is taught by Prof. Peat, whom some of you may remember), talking to people in the Bursar’s office and the Dean’s office and God knows where, spending more money than I really have on hideously expensive books and, you know, like that. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m tired…
There’s also the factor that, somehow with Jacob in the hospital and everything that came after that, I stopped drinking coffee. I was the girl who had the pot-of-French-press-a-day habit too. But with everything going on I just kept forgetting to drink it. I remember having headaches, but then I had hit my head pretty hard getting out of Mariah’s car the Saturday that Jacob was in the hospital (hard enough to make a bump), and the headaches just blended in with the general awfulness of that time. When I tried to return to my former coffee-drinking ways later I discovered that I couldn’t tolerate caffiene anymore. It made me jittery and jumpy, and worst of all, it made my heart beat too fast. That was utterly terrifying, since my brother just died from a massive heart attack. So I’m not drinking coffee any more, which is quite a change.
People keep asking me how I am. I usually say that I’m ok, or hanging in there. It helps to be so busy. When I have things to do, stuff to take care of, I’m mostly fine. The times when it gets hard is when I have to be quiet, when I have time to think about things. Then I tend to be a mess. Last night at Adoration I was ok when we were singing songs, saying prayers, but as soon as we were sitting quietly, and I was right there looking into Jesus’s face in the Eucharist I broke down. Thankfully I had a hanky in my bag (the worst part about crying is that my nose runs), and I’m good at crying quietly. I know that people want to comfort me when I cry, but it’s hard to let someone else touch me when I’m so raw, especially if I don’t know them very well. I think this is something I have to just accept about myself for a while. Sometimes I won’t be ok, and I just have to hold on and let myself not be ok until I’m ok again. And I will be.