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I feel compelled to admit that I’m not having a very good week.  This makes me feel like a total whinger, considering that I’m actually sleeping at night again, my house never lost power, and I haven’t had to deal with anything more inconvenient than remembering to treat in-operational stoplights like four-way stops.  Still, all things considered… I would like the week to be over.  Now, please.  This is why:

On Monday my mother went into the hospital for a heart catheterization.  She had been feeling some pressure on her chest, especially when she was exerting herself, and her doctor thought it would be best to have it checked out.  She was supposed to be in and out of the hospital Monday.  Except when they did the procedure they discovered that one of her arteries was 70% blocked.  Dad told me that they weren’t all that worried about it, but they were going to keep her overnight and see what some medication could do.  Evidently they weren’t satisfied with the results, because on Tuesday they decided that they were going to put a stent in.  I found this out last night when I called home, fully expecting Mom to be there.  Instead I heard the news Dad had left on the answering machine that Mom was going through another surgery.  So this morning I called again as soon as I woke up.  Boy-O was there, trying to run out the door to school.  He said that he didn’t know what was up, but Dad had come home last night, played some Solitaire on the computer and gone to bed, so he figured things must be ok.  That was reassuring, but I was still worried.  This morning I finally got in touch with Mom at the hospital, and she told me that her doctor had cleared her to go home as soon as she got an EKG.  She was feeling pretty good, and anxious to get out of there.  So that that’s the last I’ve heard.  Hopefully tonight she’ll be home from the hospital ready to recuperate with Dad and Boy-O waiting on her hand and foot.  Hopefully.  But it’s a scary situation.  I’m not ready to lose my Mom.  Of course, no one is.

The other thing that’s scaring me is that I’m speaking at Theology On Tap on Thursday.  Tomorrow.  I’m not sure why this is freaking me out so bad.  I’m a very good public speaker.  I’m used to exerting my will over crowds of people.  I know the stuff I’m talking about inside and out.  Plus, the people I’m talking to will be friends, family, and people who know and like me.  You would think I’d be sailing into this, head held high, all set to wow and impress.  Instead I’m having to drag myself forward, stomach sick with dread, utterly terrified of… what?  That people won’t like my talk?  That my friends and family will decide they don’t like me anymore?  I know that both of these things are ridiculous.  But I’m still scared.

This is what I’m clinging to: Thursday night will come.  Somehow I will be on the other side.  The talk will have gone well or it will have gone badly, it doesn’t really matter which.  What matters is that it will be done.  And I will be in my car, driving away from the Oregon Express.  It will happen, and I will be there, and everything will be ok because I will be on the other side.

It can’t come soon enough for me.