This is what I would really like for Christmas (yeah, I know I’m a few months late): I want something to be easy again, the kind of easy where all I have to do is show up and it’s good. Don’t get me wrong – I love challenges. There’s a quote from Winston Churchhill that says something like the greatest thing life can offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing. I’ve got lots of that in my life, and it’s great. Just, well, does it have to be everything? Somewhere there should be something that’s easy, right? My Guru would laugh, extend her hand across the table for me to shake, and say, “Welcome to being human, kid.” Maybe she’s right. Maybe I should just suck it up, grow up, accept reality. You take the next step, do the next right thing, and it doesn’t always have to be easy or fun or wonderful. Some things you just have to go through. There really are good things on the other side. There’s lots of good things here and now. It’s enough that they’re good. They don’t have to be easy.
The news about my roommate isn’t good. It isn’t as bad as it could be (which would be us having to make that call to Hospice), but it isn’t very encouraging either. The tumor hasn’t shrunk any, although the doctor says that the cancer cells aren’t glowing as brightly as they used to, which might mean that they’re starting to feel the impact. The tumor hasn’t grown any either, which is good. So he’s going to tinker with the mix of chemo drugs, which will hopefully help make it not quite so miserable, and we’ll keep on. Also, there’s a spot on one of my roommate’s ribs which wasn’t there a month ago. The doctor says that it’s highy unlikely that it’s cancer, but it needs to be checked out anyway. That means a biopsy, and I don’t care what they say about “minimal discomfort,” biopsies hurt like hell. My roommate’s constant refrain of We’re All Fine Here is starting to crack a little under this latest impact. This is an awful lot of misery to go through just to keep the status quo. It’s hard to keep a positive attitude, but what else are you going to do? And I don’t know if my roommate’s telling me the whole truth. I don’t know if her doctor is telling her the whole truth. But it doesn’t really matter. The only other option is just to give in, and that’s not an option.