I lead a pretty interesting life. I do a lot of interesting things, and I think a lot of interesting thoughts. Stuff just happens to me, around me, with me. I used to think that there was something wrong with this, that sooner or later things ought to calm down, that if I were healthier/saner/more organized/whatever my life wouldn’t be this dramatic. It was as if having an adventurous life were a sort of moral failing. However, more recently I’ve come to realize that this will never happen, and I wouldn’t really want it to. I like my life. Who else feeds calves on Sunday, road trips on Monday, critiques poetry on Tuesday, debates theology on Wednesday, and dances the night away on Thursday? There is nothing inherently virtuous about leading a boring life. So I’ve decided to quit trying. I’m not creating the drama, or trying to make anything more or less than it is. This is my reality. I’m not going to fight it anymore.
Thank you for listening.
Today my roommate goes in for (hopefully) her second dose of chemo. If her white blood cell count is better, that is. I can’t help feeling anxious about this, and I really, really hate anxiety. The unspoken spectre hanging over everything is, well, if the chemo doesn’t work, then… and we never, never finish that sentence. Someone was pushing me yesterday to give a prognosis, a life expectancy, as if she had a right to ask me to put a date on my friend’s life. She wouldn’t leave it alone. And then she had the gal to tell me that she knew everything that I was going through. This person is pretty clueless in general anyway, but if I could have reached through that phone and boxed her ears… I think I’m not taking her phone calls anymore. At least for a while. She’s the anomaly, however. Everyone else has been wonderfully kind and sympathetic and not pushy. I’ve especially appreciated the way Li’l Bit and Curly have made a point of asking me for updates when they see me, and the compassion I’ve gotten from La Diva. It means a lot. I am not one to ask for comfort, but lately I am conscious of wanting comforting, especially in how much I appreciate it when I receive some. There are other people, too, who don’t know about what’s going on, who have been a great comfort to me, especially the ones who make me laugh. Every laugh is precious these days.
So – we get through this one day at a time. Tomorrow will take care of itself.