So our theme for youth group until Christmas is God Is Bigger Than… (i.e. God is bigger than… me, my problems, my sins, etc.). Last night I gave the talk on God Is Bigger Than… Me, which I subtitled in my head The Humility Talk. I’ve had it prepared for a while, but it was really interesting to give it. I think maybe the person who needed to hear it the most was myself. So much in my life feels out of control right now. I keep trying to make everything work the way I think it should. I’m trying to control my relationships, my future – make everything work right, make everything look right, make happy endings for everything and everyone.
Truth is, I can’t do this. I know I can’t do this. I just have a lot of difficulty accepting the fact that I’m not perfect. When I mess up, even in little things, I take it hard because in my mind Bernadette is not supposed to make mistakes. A friend pointed out a long time ago that when I say I have to be perfect I’m saying that I have to be God because only God is perfect. So really I need to step out of the way and let God take care of my world, cuz just maybe He’d be a little better at it than I am… So that’s my struggle lately – to know that I’m not being perfect, I’m making mistakes, being ok with that, and trusting God that He’ll make things right in the end. So pray for me, because this is tough.
In other news, I was inspired by a friend’s dating equation to write my own. I’m not mathematically inclined, so no one is allowed to mock if I don’t express it correctly. It was an interesting way to think about that stuff. I mean, I’ve had lists before that included things like “will hold my hand during the homily at Mass” or “likes to hang out with teenagers” (meaning he’d be willing to come do youth ministry with me), but this was different. Anyway, here it is:
O (my openness to dating a particular man) = (basic non-repulsiveness * 62) + (% of heart devoted to God as evidenced by prayer life, integrity, willingness to serve, etc. * 762) + (ability to make me forget whatever I was doing/saying/walking towards two seconds ago * 298) + (strong leadership ability * 178) + (intelligence * 478) + (goofy sense of humor/willingness to do unusual things just because they’re fun * 312) – (basic selfishness/self-centeredness * 895) + (ability to enjoy my large, unusual family * 213) + (readiness to make a serious commitment * 650)